Need a soothing picture this morning to get you through? Me too! So as I share my heart with you this morning, take a deep breath and keep reflecting back on this picture!!
Yesterday, I was accused of something before any facts or questions had been asked of me. I was not given the opportunity to defend myself and was blamed for a situation. I spent most of the night tossing and turning in bed, devastated that I was not defended.
In the early hours of this morning, in the way only He can, God gently showed me through long buried experiences, why this situation has caused me so much pain.
When I was in Year 4 at primary school, a new girl came to my small suburban school. All the girls in our year were enamoured of her ~ she seemed so stylish and pretty, and she owned ‘bubblegum’ jeans in bright colours, which none of us had seen before. When she chose me to be her special friend, I was blown away. She even let me wear her jeans on an outing…her in the pink pair, me in the blue. For the first time in my life, I had a special ‘girl’ friend. Somewhere between the end of year 4 and the beginning of year 5, things changed dramatically. I went from being the popular girl, to being an outcast. Something I had done or said, or not done or said, turned this girl against me and for the next TWO years, she became my worst enemy.
So much so, that ever other girl in our year was scared of her and sided with her against me. I was ostracized and alone, bewildered at what I could possibly have done to have this girl crush my heart. Things got so bad that the teacher and principal called a meeting of the girls and told them that if they did not stop the bullying, their parents would be called in. My mother went to the school to see what could be done, after seeing me crying every morning, frantic that I had to face this person for another day.
There were days where I would be playing with the kids in the year below me (by this time, the only friends I trusted were male so I would spend my lunches playing ‘bullrush’ and tackle footy) when the group of girls would walk up (always together for strength in numbers) and taunt me from the sidelines. They followed me into the toilet – I began holding the need to go until I got home, which caused physical pain.
It was a horrific two years of my life, that as an adult I had pushed way down into the deepest part of me, and until last night, I hadn’t thought of it.
But that is what happens with trauma ~ Just like I am learning with my 7 year old foster daughter, experiences we suffer as children will always impact our behaviour in unlikely ways and at inconvenient times. She doesn’t remember consciously what happened to her between 0 and 4, but something will ‘trigger’ a memory and off she goes, irrational and inconsolable, with us at a loss as to what set her off this time.
I need another picture break!!!
Back to the story….
These girls, who up until the age of 10 had been my friends, turned on me overnight. One girl forever changed my view of women. (I understand now that her behaviour was a result of jealousy and insecurity).
Since then, I have never had a close girlfriend, preferring the company of boys, then men. I played the roughest sports, hung out with my brother and his mates, until the boyfriends came along and I didn’t need women at all.
I have an innate sense of distrust with women, expecting them to disappoint me. I absolutely detest gossip and backstabbing, and can get physically sick when women are talking about a ‘friend’ who isn’t in the room. Usually I leave at this point.
My fear that women will hurt me if I let them too close has meant I have kept my distance from close relationships.
I never put two and two together until God uncovered the deep hurt within me…..And until the buried pain is brought into the light, there will never be healing.
I so want to replace the fear with faith, that women are inherently good. That God can and will bring friends who are true, who are quick to defend, and will ‘have my back’.
If you have someone like this is in your life, then you are rich beyond measure. To all my guy friends, THANK YOU for being so uncomplicated!
To the women I am doing life with now, I apologise for holding you at arms length. Help me to be a better friend.
Much love,
Shani
This is not me! But I hope it will be one day!
