The Psychological effects of birth visits

I’m not a psychologist, but I would have to be blind not to see the effect that the court ordered birth visits have on our foster children.

At 4 and 8, our girls cannot be told about a visit until the morning of, as they become extremely agitated and emotional.

Just like this past Wednesday, the day goes something like this:

Me: “Guess what Miss 8, you’re going to see … today!  And your brothers too, how exciting.”

Miss 8: “Today? What time? What time will I be picked up? Where am I going to? Who is taking us today? (which transport worker will pick her up) and on and on the questions go. Then she becomes agitated that I need to do her hair perfectly, that she needs to take ‘stuff’ to show her birth mother, that there is a spot on her school jumper and I should wash it RIGHT NOW, that she might need extra food because she will be hungry, then…’what if we go to McDonalds again? Can I have food? (She knows how I feel about them eating this junk that causes their mood swings to spike uncontrollably) The questions, the high pitched voice, the emotions all over the place….I wonder how other foster parents handle it?

Miss 4: “Can I take my pony book? where’s  my pony book? WHERE’S MY PONY BOOK….WAAAA, WAAAA (the out of control crying begins)

So that’s pretty much the mood BEFORE a visit…now we move onto home time.

The girls are delivered back home, at about 6.30pm after a day of school and kindy. They are overtired and drawn.

Me: “Hi sweeties, how did you go today?”

They get out of the car, loaded with gifts including hair things, clothes, and toys, unfinished Happy Meals. They stink of smoke, it’s in their hair and clothes.

We take them straight to the shower and they wash and put on their PJ’s.

The mood is subdued, they answer questions with monosyllables.

“How were the boys today?” …>good

“How was mummy L today>” > good

“Did you tell her how good you’re doing at school?” > I forgot

“Did you give her your school photo?” > I forgot

So the questions stop…I should have learnt by now not to push!

They eat a small amount of dinner, their tired eyes almost closing.

Before I’ve taken a mouthful of my dinner, they have left their places and are at my side.

Miss 4 climbs into my lap, quiet and cuddly. Miss 8 leans her head onto my shoulder and is trying to hug me while I’m trying to eat.

I say, “its’ bedtime.”

The crying starts…. “ I don’t wanna go to bed”, “I want a story” “I want daddy to take me” “No, I want mummy to take me”…..

They are taken up to bed, each is tucked into their own beds and cuddled. They are still whingy, still clingy.

I head back downstairs to eat the rest of my meal.

Later, I go upstairs to take  a shower and poke my head into their rooms to check on them.

They are curled up together, in Miss 4’s bed, cuddling each other, sound asleep.

These two who fight constantly, demanding and needy, show their true colours.

When they go on a visit, it’s them against the world…they are sisters, and their bond is strong.

“You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind”…keeping my hands busy.

I don’t know who wrote the above quote, but I love it! If I want to learn something new, I have to try, to DO.

No point wishing and wanting to learn it, you gotta get your hands dirty and have a go.

 

Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea,

never regains its original dimensions.

{Oliver Wendell Holmes}

I’ve been AWOL from blog posting for a bit, learning new things and keeping busy.

Here’s a snippet of the goings on at Christmas River the last couple of weeks:

Knitting a jumper for one of the little munchkins (now I need to learn how to knit it all together once the front, back and sleeves are done! I have a growing number of items knitted but not sewn up…know any good finishing classes!?)

Put my quilting class with Deborah Louie (AKA legend!) to good use and have pinned up my first quilt top in preparation for machine quilting.

Have been skimming my eyes back over lots of home magazines, clipping and tearing ideas for my ever expanding ‘home inspiration’ folder.

This page is from Home Beautiful, and its vintage exterior weatherboards sanded back and used in a living room. I plan to do this technique in my hallway and maybe dining room, using new weatherboards painted with Porters Milk Paint and sanded back to look old.

Have a pile of books waiting to be read…(hurry up summertime!)

 

Have been whipping up a few goodies for the Christmas Open House.

  Assorted felt wreaths in stunning Christmas colours, with a bit of lace thrown in!

Dreaming about the fires that will one day warm our home from these fireplaces just finished being bricked up.

Took delivery of the timber for the wall frames this week, and been busy making coffee and baking jam drops for our carpenters so they keep working through the frosty winter mornings!

Yes, I am baking…and enjoying it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YUMMY, they were really good straight out of the oven with the jam still hot and gooey!

Took hubby on a weekend adventure to Mudgee and his childhood home of Gilgandra, and found a crusty old fireplace surround that will become our new fireplace mantle in our bedroom.

The colour is quite a bright teal, which I LOVE. All I plan to do with this is give it a light sand and lacquer and fix a couple of parts which are loose and it’s done!

The detail on it is gorgeous…and all that chippy paint… *sigh*

(It’s the little things that make me smile!!)

 

What adventures have you been on? What new things are you learning? I would love to hear…..

 

 

He who would learn to fly one day must

first learn to stand and walk and run

and climb and dance;

one cannot fly into flying.

{Friedrich Nietzsche}

 

Do you really know what it is to be loved?

We live in a love story.  We are created for romance and we have an insatiable capacity for it. Now, God gave us such a heart; it was one of his first gifts to us.

Then he gives to us this world that is so breathtakingly beautiful.

You see it in the fact that he made grass just firm enough that it stands up straight like a carpet, but not too firm that it hurts you when you run on it with bare feet.

And he makes snow just firm enough for snowballs and sledging, but not so firm that it hurts us when it falls; it falls so softly.

He makes birds and their songs just loud enough to be delightful and he creates our ear to delight in the sound.

 

Do you begin to see the

tenderness and love

of God through all creation?

 

And then he gives to each of us those unique and particular things that capture our hearts, those things we loved when we were young and those things we love even still – horses, the wind, playing and instrument, the laugh of a child.

He gave you all the things that you have ever loved, and all those joys that are unique and particular to you – the puppy you got when you were seven, your favourite bike, running barefoot on the grass in the summertime in the evenings when the dew was on the grass and the day was still warm but the grass was cool.

 

All of this is the love of God wooing you.  Some of you found the romance of God at the beach.

Some of you found it on the rivers or in the meadows. Some of you found it in books.

All that has ever stirred your heart, that was God romancing you.

Turn your face into it…that is what HE wants. Turn your face into the things that bring romance to your hearts.  Give it over to Him.

That is how you experience the love of God.*

 

*extract from Love and War by John & Stasi Eldredge

Where do you disappear to?

I have a couple of places that I go when I want to ‘disappear’ from society.

When I’m feeling low on creativity, short on fuel, and need to feel like I’ve had a week’s holiday in a very short space of time! One day in these places – walking the quaint streets, driving through the countryside, smelling the flowers, breathing in the crisp, clean air, and allowing my brain to use ALL OF THE SENSES to capture the day forever in my memory is how I replenish.

Do you have a special place? I would love to hear about it!

Because I live on the south coast, my places are within an hour’s drive of my home.

Berry is my first haven. The gardens, the drive there past Gerringong’s gorgeous beaches, then on through the lush rolling hills of dairy country, past red roofed weatherboard farmhouses….

Bowral is another place. Up the Illawarra escarpment and only 50 minutes from home, Bowral never ceases to inspire with its gorgeous stately homes, impressive gardens and great shopping!

The mountain air feels so clean and crisp, and this time of year, the colour of the leaves changing is magnificent!

Every memory I have in these two towns are great ones! Good company, good times.

Where do you go?

A controversial post…Where are the children?

My beautiful sister in law shared this with me this week…

It is even more special to me because my gorgeous niece began her life in an orphanage in South Korea, and was destined to be  my brother and sister in law’s daughter. She has brought so much joy to all of our lives, I could not imagine our family without her in it.

This boy has been living on the streets, ALONE,  since he was five years old.

 

 

The translation of the words he is singing are along the lines of :

“I wish for a free and happy life, full of peace and joy.”

I will never apologise for my love of children, whether biological, fostered, adopted, or however they come to be part of our family.

I have had a number of people who should know better, look at me incredulously when I told them recently that we are back on the waiting list for more foster children, now that our two babies are permanently in our care.

They cannot understand and have made their point very clear that they don’t agree with our views. Some of these people claim to know the heart of God as Christians, yet their view is that these ‘sorts of children’ will always be ‘trouble’ as their genetic code will guide them down the path of their birth parents, no matter how they are loved, nurtured or trained in our home.

In today’s consumer driven, self-seeking society, people are forsaking children like never before in the history of creation. They are seen as a hindrance to careers, a burden on society. We give birth, then can’t wait to get back to our jobs, so that we can ‘get ahead’ and ‘get on’ with our lives.

That old saying, “the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world” is never more apt than right now.

I think we have been lied to, and have bought into the deception that being a mother is something you just are, but what do you DO?

If we could wake up, and realise that when we leave the job of mothering, the house falls.